Messy Quest

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve lost my capacity for surprise.

And I don’t mean my ability to surprise other people. I do that all the time. Just this week, for instance, my wife was surprised to find I hadn’t folded a basket of laundry for five straight days. My kids were shocked that I actually followed through on a threat to send them to their rooms. I stunned co-workers by speaking more than once at a staff meeting.

What I’m talking about is my capacity for feeling surprised. I’m so focused most of the time on getting things done and checking off lists that I don’t even have time to be caught off guard. Nor do I want to be, clinging instead to the comforting illusion that I control my domain. I couldn’t even tell you the last time something happened that left me shaking my head in wonderment – in a good way. Duke losing to Lehigh in the first round of the NCAA tournament doesn’t count.

But a few days ago that all changed.

My eight-year-old son, along with 44 other kids, received his First Communion at our church. It was a pretty elaborate ceremony, and he’d signed on for a starring role. Not having inherited his father’s extreme introversion, he volunteered to do an Old Testament reading from the altar in front of about 500 people.

A lengthy practice session at the church a few nights earlier, led by a strict Catholic school teacher, had made clear this was no simple matter. Near the beginning of the service, my son needed to walk toward the altar, hands tented in prayer, bow at a precise spot and then make his way up to the lectern. The microphone there was highly sensitive and required speaking not right into it but not too far away either. That was all before he did the actual reading from the Book of Isaiah.

When he was done, the teacher stressed, he needed to come down from the altar, wait for two girls who would be singing right after him, and meet them in front of the altar for a synchronized bow at an exact spot. Then he would come back to us. Would they also ask him to perform a complex series of black flips, analyze Chinese energy policy and solve a quadratic equation before landing in our pew, hands still tented in prayer?

On the morning of the service, we got there early and walked through it once. He seemed pretty confident. I was nervous for him but tried not to show it. When the moment came, I nudged him into action. He assumed a prayerful pose and headed toward the altar. And everything went flawlessly, like he’d practiced it all a thousand times. The bowing and the reading and the microphone. All of it. I was thrilled for him. When he returned to our pew, I couldn’t refrain from exchanging a gleeful fist bump. Check that one off the list, baby!

It wasn’t until the next morning, though, when I returned to the church with my parents for a Mother’s Day mass that it all sunk in. I watched a 40ish guy walk up to the lectern, bow, do a reading, bow again and return to his seat. And at that moment I thought with total wonderment, “I can’t believe my son, who is barely eight, did that yesterday. In front of 500 people. And perfectly, too. How did that happen?”

Over the past few days, I’ve also thought, with more concern than wonderment, “Why don’t I feel this way more often?” I doubt that it’s because more moments with the potential to surprise don’t exist in my life. I’m probably just missing them. In fact, I might have even missed the full impact of this one if I hadn’t been back in church the next day and had a few moments to reflect.

So here’s a challenge I’m setting for myself over the next week. At the end of the day, I’ll pause for a minute or two to consider whether anything surprised me. If nothing surfaces, that’s fine. It’ll be just like any other day. But if something worthwhile does bubble up, I won’t have missed it. And that can change the way you see everything.

What do Messy Quest, a hypnotist and a money manager have in common? We shared air time last week on Bonnie Graham’s BlogTalkRadio show “Read My Lips”. It was my first attempt at radio, as my sophisticated and frequent use of “uh” and “um” attest. In between, I talked a little about my book and what we can all learn from Trappist monks. My spot on the show runs from about the 5-minute to the 19-minute mark.

With an entire 15 minutes of practice under my belt, I’ll be back on the radio Tuesday night, May 15 on “The Busted Halo Show”, which airs on SiriusXM channel 129. This 20-minute discussion should start around 8 p.m. Eastern. I’m, uh, as ready as I’ll ever be.

Is trying to be perfect wearing you out? Here’s an idea — maybe 80 percent is good enough. I explain in today’s guest post over at Kate Wicker’s excellent blog about faith, parenting and personal growth. Please stop by and take a look — and, while you’re there, leave a comment for a chance to win a free copy of my new book!

One of the clearest memories of my childhood involves a blood-stained doorknob and a cabinet full of canned vegetables.

It dates back about 30 years to a little town in the mountains of western Pennsylvania during a  summer visit to my mom’s very large family –  and it’s an incident that taught some important lessons about how to make our way in the world. You can read all about it in my new guest post at Lisa Hendey’s catholicmom.com blog. By the way, the post is not written exclusively for Catholics or moms. But an appeciation for tough Italian grandmothers will definitely enhance your enjoyment of it.

Is there a deeper meaning to this scene, which recently unfolded in my  house?

Son: (suddenly issues a resounding belch)
5-year-old daughter: That’s so nasty!
Wife: (says nothing, silently clutches her head)
Me: C’mon man, that’s gotta stop. That was really egregious.
Son: What’s egregious mean?
Me (an English major who likes to throw around big words): It’s when you take something too far. You know, when you go to extremes.
Son: (nods, belches again even louder)
Me: Now what did I just say? That’s totally egregious!

Actually, I believe there really is more than meets the eye here. And today I explain what it is over at Sarah Reinhard’s Snoring Scholar blog. Please check out my guest post there, take a look at Sarah’s work and leave a comment if the spirit moves you!

They're here!

Fellow Messy Questers — usually I try to limit the blatant self-promotion on this blog to merely semi-embarrassing levels. So I hope you’ll forgive the following commercial interruption: after nearly two years of working and waiting, The Messy Quest for Meaning has published! Many of you have been big supporters of the book and this blog from the start. I’m deeply grateful for your encouragement and very excited that we’ve finally come to this point. If you’ve recently joined our quest, it’s great to have you aboard; bring some friends along as well!

(If you’re in North Carolina, I have a couple launch events planned in Greensboro — one at the Friendly Center Barnes & Noble at 7 p.m. on May 17 and another at St. Pius X church at 10:15 a.m. on May 6. Would love to see you!).

Those of you who pre-ordered the book from Amazon, Barnes & Noble  or Sorin Books should receive it in the next week or 10 days. If you are still giving some thought to purchasing it, permit me to offer some perspective: I barely have any hair, and my haircut this week still cost more than this book does.

Also, let’s talk about the book’s sub-title, which is “Five Catholic Practices for Finding Your Vocation.” I’m Catholic and my publisher is affiliated with the University of Notre Dame. I’m proud of those associations and believe the rich Catholic tradition has a lot to say to all of us about calling. In particular, my book focuses on the insights and examples of Trappist monks, who have thrived for literally a thousand years and learned a few things along the way about living purposefully.

At the same time, I also wrote this book for non-Catholics and those not aligned with any faith tradition. Ultimately, my goal is to help people answer a question that spans all boundaries of faith: “What am I supposed to do with my life?” A few days ago, I saw a (very favorable!) review that a book industry magazine will publish about my book in June. It says, “(Martin) never tries to make his points through a strong-fisted religious approach, instead preferring to use a casual, ‘I’ve-been-there-and-want-to-help’ style.” That sounds about right. Though when it comes to figuring out calling, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve “been there.” In fact, I’m right there with you now trying to figure it all out. Looking forward to continuing our journey!

Earlier this month, my wife, kids and I loaded up the car and made the 10-hour drive from North Carolina to New York City. We went to the top of the Empire State Building, took a cruise around the Statue of Liberty and strolled along Fifth Avenue checking out window displays of clothes I’ll never be cool enough to wear.

The kids were most impressed by the many modes of transportation we sampled: buses, ferries, the subway and taxis, punctuated by a cabbie who chewed us out for flagging him down in what was evidently a no-taxi zone in Times Square. “You in totally wrong place! What are you doing?!” he fumed at us in broken English while still accepting the fare. “What’s wrong with him?” my son asked. “Trust me,” I told him, “our trip wouldn’t be complete without this.”

Somewhere in the midst of this whirlwind, my wife, who runs her own business for half the day and tries to ride herd on the kids for rest of it, said, “Wow! I’m having a really good time. I didn’t know how badly I needed to get out of town for a few days.”

She had identified a sure-fire method for breaking out of a rut: Change locations. Putting this principle to work in Manhattan, naturally, proved expensive as hell. And I’m not even including the $25,000 we paid in tolls on the New Jersey Turnpike.

There are cheaper ways to get the same effect – day trips, visiting family or friends, or having some really rich buddies bankroll your travel. Or, you can try any of these four different options:

Make new friends: I recently met a fellow writer who attended the same university I did – 25 years earlier. It’s been great talking shop with him about writing. Even better, we’ve swapped stories about professors we both knew well; getting his take on what these guys were like a quarter-century before they taught me has been fascinating. It’s made me re-evaluate how I think about them and prompted some worthwhile reflection on long ago student days.

Get a different angle: A few years ago, I went into work on a Saturday to get a few things done. I opened the door to my office, flipped on the lights and had an instant realization – the place was ridiculously cluttered and in desperate need of a clean-up. I spent 40 hours a week in that room, including eight hours the day before, and had never even thought twice about it. But coming in on an off day when my mindset was different and I was more relaxed made it possible to really see what was right in front of me.

Go back to school: Not literally maybe. But make an effort to learn something new. One of my favorite tips in this regard comes in Dan Pink’s best-selling business book A Whole New Mind, which explores how to get our creative juices flowing. His recommendation: go to a newsstand and pick up a magazine on a topic you know nothing absolutely nothing about. For me, this could be anything involving tools, fashion, six-pack abs, art or lawn care. See what connections you can find between your own world and another that seems totally unrelated.

See where circumstance leads: No sooner had we booked our New York trip than a summons arrived in the mail ordering me to report for jury duty the day before we were supposed to leave. This meant I’d have one less day to get work matters handled before leaving town – and also that we might not be leaving town at all if I got placed on an actual jury. I’m usually maniacal about managing time efficiently. But there wasn’t anything I could do to change this. So I grabbed my copy of Jonah Lehrer’s great new book Imagine: How Creativity Works and spent most of the day reading it while the judicial system slowly determined it did not require my services. Ordinarily I’d never take a day off to read a book – even though it would be a real treat. And that’s what this turned out to be.

And, while I’m at it, here’s some advice for my favorite cabbie in Manhattan : Hey, man, try picking up a few more dopes in no-taxi zones. We all need to break up our routines now and then.

A few months ago, the following dinner conversation unfolded in our dining room:

My 8-year-old son to my 5-year-old daughter: You just got tomato sauce on your shirt.
My 5-year-old daughter: Oops. That’s ok, though. Daddy will clean it in the laundry.
Visiting neighbor child: Your dad does the laundry?

Yes, in fact, I am the chief launderer at our house. And today I share a bit about what I’ve learned from this task over at meanttobehappy.com.  It’s a remarkable blog run by Ken Wert, and I’m excited to be part of the conversation. Please stop by his site to check out my post, leave a comment and let a friend or two know about the great work Ken is doing. Thanks!

Today I’ve been fortunate to publish my first guest post and to place it on a career reinvention blog I really admire — Jen Gresham’s www.everydaybright.com. I did several stupid things when I was 23 — and one smart thing. It wasn’t exactly on purpose, but it changed the way I saw the world. I hope you’ll visit Jen’s blog to read the story, leave a comment and let a few friends know about her work while you’re at it!

If you are looking at this post, I know this much about you: at some level, whether you admit it or not, you’re comfortable with wasting time. But probably not as comfortable as you need to be.

When it comes to wasting time, most of us have two key things in common.
No. 1, we do it on a regular basis – whether it’s watching some silly TV show or doodling in a notebook or walking around the office or neighborhood chatting with people about nothing in particular. No. 2, we feel guilty about it, convinced that there must be a more productive way to live if we could only figure it out or be disciplined enough to act on it.

To which I say: if you really want to be more productive, let go of your obsession with productivity. And more than that, don’t feel guilty about it. Because wasting time is really good for you.

Some very smart people have done the work that proves it. And they assure us that wasting time is worthwhile because it:

1)      Makes you more positive: Barbara Fredrickson, a pioneer in the field of positive psychology, has found that we reach a crucial tipping point in our ability to think optimistically and envision new possibilities when our positive thoughts outnumber our negative ones by a ratio of three to one. How do we nurture positive thoughts? By doing things we like to do, even if there doesn’t seem to be much point to them – daydreaming on the couch, walking aimlessly around the block, fiddling with a crossword puzzle. In other words, being “unproductive.”

2)      Prevents burnout: As much as we might like to believe we can work at maximum capacity all day long, the truth is we cannot. Even the most elite people in any field can only sustain peak performance for a few hours a day.  In his book The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working, Tony Schwartz cites a fascinating study about what separates great violinists from good ones. “The best violinists,” he writes, “figured out, intuitively, that they generated the highest value by working intensely, without interruption, for no more than 90 minutes at a time and no more than 4 hours a day. The also recognized that it was essential to take time, intermittently, to rest and refuel. In fields ranging from sports to chess, researchers have found that four hours a day is the maximum that the best performers practice.” Does it make sense, then, for us mere mortals to expect 18 hours of peak productivity every day?

3)      Bolsters your creativity: Beyond our need for recovery, there’s also another critical fact about human performance: sometimes we’re better off letting our subconscious work on our challenges while our conscious minds focus on something else – or nothing at all. Long before modern neuroscience began exploring how creativity happens, author Ernest Hemingway had it pretty well figured out. As he put it, “Always stop when you are going good and don’t think about it or worry about it until you start to write the next day. That way your subconscious will work on it all the time. But if you think about it consciously or worry about it you will kill it and your brain will be tired before you start.” Considering he revolutionized modern fiction, it’s hard to argue with Hemingway’s method. 

And there you have it – not just one great reason for goofing off but three of them. History proves most of us have the talent and the will to go out there and do nothing for extended periods of time. The tricky part is also enjoying it, and that will come with practice. So what are you waiting for? Hurry up and waste some time.